Cutie Pie

{Nolan's first professional haircut}

Doesn't he look so much older? I can't stop touching his little head and kissing those smooshy cheeks!

I am feeling so much better today. I woke up with zero pregnancy symptoms. I am full of energy and not a bit of nausea. It happened so suddenly and completely that it surprised me, but it helps to cope with reality. I am currently in the throws of a cleaning frenzy, which I know is probably a mute point since Warren is having a friend over after school and surely all will be undone.

I can't say enough how happy I am for my friends and family, who have all reached out to me in their own ways to offer to help or just lend their ears to my sorrowful ramblings. There is no embarrassment or hush-hush attitudes. Just love and support. I am so grateful!

Looking forward to this weekend, the weather forecast is finally predicting higher temps and I am ready to get outside.

Jack has his preschool Valentine's Party tomorrow, so Nolan and I will be attending that... sure to make for some cute pictures :)

resillient

With almost each hour that passes, I am able to make more sense of what is happening. My mind sometimes stretches out into the future and I can see where this experience might make me a more understanding person to my (at least) 3 future daughter in laws and maybe my own daughter someday, should any of them ever have a loss or any fertility issues.

I won't have the mindset of "oh, that never happened to me."

I can see how once we are "there" and our family is complete, I will think of this loss as part of the journey that was required to get "there."

Sure, I still catch myself playing the what if/maybe game. It goes like this:

"What if this baby was a girl and I am simply not able to carry girls?"

"Maybe I didn't decrease my caffeine intake enough... didn't I read somewhere that increases likelihood of miscarriage?"

"Maybe nursing Nolan even just a little, while trying to grow a new life was too much for my body."

"What if this happens again?"

"Maybe I am too old now. These eggs have been with me for 31 years now, maybe they are all defective."

Fortunately, my logical side takes over and I know that there was most likely a glitch simply in the way our genetic material came together. It was predestined from the moment of conception. Plain and simple.

When I cry now, it is because I remember just a handful of days ago how excited I still was for this baby. Excited to hold a little newborn again soon, for Nolan to have a sibling close in age and in school, for our family to be complete.

So, for now I remain somewhere in between. Not quite able to see this as a stepping stone in our path to our future destination, but also not quite in the initial shock and sadness phase. All the while acknowledging all the strange emotions and thoughts that come with this experience.

I feel stupid for having even being so excited at getting a positive pregnancy test after trying to conceive since Nolan was 10 months old.

I feel guilty for even dragging friends and family through this with me. I am not a private person. The people I call my friends might be victim of my oversharing. Would it be better to keep this all to myself?

I feel afraid that maybe the Universe is saying "you've got all you can handle/need", when I want another child so badly.

I feel anxious already to lose this weight that I have gained before even trying to get pregnant again. And then this leads to more feelings of guilt...

It is easy to get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative emotions when you suffer a miscarriage. I am all the more of an empathetic person now, that's for sure.

I am so thankful for my support system and for my husband who so confidently said last night "it's not if, but when we have our final baby."

Angel Wings

I don't want to leave anyone in suspense that is checking here for an update. This will be brief and to the point.

This baby has passed. And I have actually mostly come to terms and peace with the situation, knowing that there was something wrong with the baby and it is best to not grow any more attached or give birth to a child and then lose it. Things could be worse.

What is hard now is that I still feel very pregnant as the hormones from the placenta are still being produced and circulating in my blood stream. It seems cruel of nature to do this. And now I just have to wait it out until my body finally realizes what has transpired and discards whats left. It is unpleasant, this whole thing. And I know there is more unpleasantness to come. I pray that it happens soon, so that I can fully begin to heal and move on.

I am so glad I opted to go into the doctor today instead of waiting, as I was growing more agitated and hopeful by the day, which was not probably a healthy, productive path.

I have come to know so much (so much more than I ever wanted to) about miscarriage and all my fellow circle of Moms who have experienced it. What I take away is that these losses are a natural part of the process of reproduction. I have been so lucky to not have encountered anything like this previously and chances are I won't have the same misfortune again.

In my mind, this baby now has little Angel Wings. And hopefully now that my mind knows, my body will soon acknowledge.

What do you do...

...with way too much anxious, nervous, dreadful energy?

Pull yourself out of bed bright and early, make the most delicious homemade buttermilk chocolate chip waffles for your family, peel an orange and devour, pack lunches and head to Little Monkey Bizness -- well that's what I did so far today.





It was the perfect distraction, and I completely forgot my woes for at least an hour. The big boys got frozen yogurt with Daddy afterwards, and then we ran around Sears Grand for a little bit, just to get every last bit of energy out of these boys.

It worked, Nolan crashed and took a long nap when we got home. I was able to lay on the couch for a little while and try to cope with the waves of nausea that I've been having all afternoon.

Admittedly, it is hard for me to see this situation with the baby clearly. I am full of hormones and way too emotional to make sense of everything.

But call me crazy, I am feeling a bit optimistic today. I feel very very pregnant. I have not had any spotting whatsoever, not even a single time this entire pregnancy. Maybe I ovulated really late in my cycle -- Nolan was nursing still quite a bit in December and truthfully still does even now on average once per day latch on and suckle for a bit. Could that have thrown the ovulation date off?

Also, the ultrasound last week showed a much larger, more developed fetus than the one prior. Part of me just doesn't give a shit what they say the CRL was last week versus this week. The baby looked much bigger to me. The tech was having a really hard time getting the heart rate even though we could see it flickering like crazy on the screen. She even had me walk across the hall with nothing but a large paper towel wrapped around my waist to go to the other, supposedly more high tech machine in another room. She even had her peer join us in the room to help her try to get a better angle to measure the heartbeat. Sorry to be graphic, but they were twisting and angling the wand inside of me so much that it was uncomfortable, and thinking about it might actually be the reason I had some weird abdominal pain subsequently.

We would all hear the galloping hear beat for a split second or two, and then it would go away. It looked like the baby was flipping over and making it hard to measure. Finally, the peer of my original tech just said, "well, I would just have to guess that that is the heart rate" as she pointed to a section of the recording. "This part?", the original lady said. "No, I would start here and stop there and get the bpm from that section."

Whatever rate they got from that portion was so low that my doctor has predicted imminent miscarriage. My point for the above rambling is that it was inconclusive in my opinion. The heart rate by all accounts could not be measured and what the two techs did was make a best guess at capturing a portion of ultrasound recording to get a rate from. From what I have read you need about 15 seconds of heartbeat recording to get an accurate rate from. I know with 100% certainty that there were never 15 seconds of available measurement of heartbeat during my ultrasound.

Who knows what this baby's heartbeat was. All I really know is that there was one. I could see it in my baby's tiny chest. And I feel like this baby is fighting and growing, and I owe him/her at least a shred of hope and encouragement.

So, yes, I hate this holding pattern more than anything. But my eyes are a litte less swollen than yesterday and I am feeling okay for the moment.

#4

No matter what happens, this baby that I have been incubating and loving for over 2 months will always be our fourth. This is a place to share our life as it unfolds, so it wouldn't be right to leave this out.

I was hoping to have great news yesterday. But things are not looking great for this baby right now.

I went in for a second ultrasound yesterday to check again, since the baby measured smaller last week than he/she should based on my last cycle. I was very optimistic that things would have caught up or at least shown the proper amount of growth in between ultrasound scans. Not so.

Our #4 is still too small and not enough growth in a weeks' worth of time, and although there is a visible heartbeat on the ultrasound, it is too faint or slow to be measured. These factors brought about my doctor telling me "I'm sorry" and changing my perspective forever in that moment.

We have had the most textbook, easy pregnancies prior to this - not even the tiniest of complications or anything. That is partly why this is such a shock. So, while the outcome has yet to fully unfold, I have to be realistic and acknowledge all the odds that are against this little one. The words "expect the worst" keep ringing in my ears coming from my much trusted doctor. He did not want to give me hope, and said this never ends well.

I have yet another ultrasound next week. Doctor said there should be no heartbeat, visible or otherwise, at this scan and that will be the final indication that this pregnancy has ended. I cried so many tears yesterday that my eyes were swollen nearly shut this morning.

But I got up and decided to make the most of the day - going on a family grocery trip and making a huge pot of chicken and dumplings from scratch. Great comfort food as snow is falling and the dull ache in my abdomen hardly compares to the ache I feel in my heart. I feel like the pregnancy sypmtoms are lessening a bit and I can't deny the strange dull ache I feel in my womb. Are these the signs the miscarriage is coming soon?

So glad for a very logical conversation with Bryan this morning, where we went through the possible scenarios of what could happen and how we will react. That put me somewhat at ease, especially when the end result of the conversation was that we will try again if this baby isn't meant to be. We will try for #5, but never forget this fourth baby and all of our excitement for welcoming, naming, and cherishing him/her.

A few new things.

While I was laying in bed half asleep last night, I could swear Bryan was downstairs tinkering on something in the dining room. I was mildly curious as to what he was doing, but not enough so to leave the warmth of our bed to go investigate.


Then I found pictures like this on my camera this morning, and it all makes sense. Our PC is now housed in a much smaller computer shell that actually fits in the cabinet we have for it. Nice!

Other new things:


Here's the Murphy Bed! It just looks like a fancy cabinet when its closed and only comes out about 15'' from the wall. Our awesome queen mattress fits in it perfectly and there is actually more room in the office when it is down than I would have thought. So glad to have a guest room back!


This thing is insane (the vacuum, not the kid!), and gets so much dirt and dust and dog hair that I am just shocked each time I use it. Finally, the dust is diminished in the house and I even notice the return air vents are staying clean longer. Can't recommend this LG Kompressor enough. It is wild, and has to have different suction levels because believe it or not the highest setting is sometimes just too much suction, like on area rugs etc. Love!

I cleaned out our fridge and pantry this morning and am having a bit of a moment here. Feeling a major overhaul of food standards coming our way. Husband is on board and now I just need to make it a priority and make it happen. There will be NO artificial colors in foods entering our house!! Among other things...

Surely, we eat pretty well now as it is with lots of produce and mostly not processed crap. I do much better with breakfast and lunch, it is dinner where I am currently failing. Hitting the road to eat out way too much! I want to do better for these boys - they deserve it!

It was a whopping 12 degrees when I took Warren and Jack to school this morning. They were so happy to go to school though and see their friends and get back to normal.

Check back tomorrow, I might just have something fun to share!

Just poppin' in!

Look at this little stud muffin walking to the park with a handful of tortilla chips:


I get to see his mischeiveous grin about 300 times per day. I am so lucky!


Jack is always ready to pause for a split second for a picture:


The above pictures were taken before this ridiculous cold snap ensued. We are on day 5 of being mostly home, with school canceled for the past 2 days. It is quite the little adventure here.

Have you heard...



...of the No Sprinkle Left Behind Act?


Nolan will be happy to tell you about it when he's not stuffing his face with cookie.

What else... ?
Murphy Bed is in! Looks great.
Warren had his first of many orthopedic/orthodontic appointments on Monday. Let the games begin February 25th.
Starting to think life was better pre-Wii. Going to have to implement some rules around it as the "newness" is definitely not wearing off!
So glad the temperature is rising and tomorrow school is back on. We have way too much energy here and not enough ways to burn it off inside!

Partners in Crime

Two in one day?! I know, I gotta make up for some lost time here!

These two...

are so cute together

both have to roll down their pants in order for the waist to almost kind of stay up

light up when they see each other

speak the same baby language that lets you know they have so much to say, but scarcely is anything understandable outside of "ball", "car", and "dog". They've got their most important boy bases covered with just those words though!

are super smart and sometimes naughty...


letting the dogs in is a team effort?



{Thanks for the picture and for watching him for "date night" at Proto's Pizza!}

I LIKE TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS

{Boys sitting on the futon at breakfast this morning, since the furniture was all over the place for the carpet cleaners}

So much good going on right now!
***
Bryan planned a quick trip for us over Valentine's Day weekend, wherein I will be sleeping, shopping, and finally seeing "O"... in Vegas! I am beyond excited!

We got the carpets cleaned this morning! It had been over two years.

We shuffled furniture around the house and got rid of a bunch of stuff via Craig's list and it just feels great... early Spring Cleaning bug?!

Planning our annual trip to Alaska for May!

Soaking in the sunshine today!

Warren and Jack both doing so great in school -- makes me so proud! Registered Jack for Kindergarten (half day) and so excited for him since he is sooooo ready.

{When he's not playing Legos, Jack has been working on letter formation to get ready for Kindergarten}

Murphy bed getting installed next week in the office! Something about them just seems so cool. I bet the kids are going to love it and guests will have three little monkeys jumping on their bed!

Nolan continues to sleep in his big boy bed, and has settled pretty well into one long nap after lunch.

Dinosaur Club kicked off yesterday and was a huge hit! Warren is openly so proud and happy that his Momma has done 3 after school clubs... warms my heart!

Bryan got me an iPhone, which is so fun but has unfortunately led to a decrease in blogging and real picture taking.

Warren and Jack both got to go spend the weekend at a separate relatives' house last weekend, giving Bryan and I the rare chance to accomplish so much with just one little munchkin... including a date!

Life is good. That's about it for now!

Words of Now

busy

snow (and more to come!)

alarm clock for a our biggest boy

hello's and goodbye's at the airport

Super Mario Brothers (my thumb hurts!)

dust

new houses being built all around us

lots of new words from our littlest boy:

"car"

"up"

"Jack"

"dog"

well child checkup for our middle boy

healthy as can be! growing like weed!

lots of doctor and dentist appointments this month

dreading waiting rooms and wild kids

even more change with Bryan's work/company

you would think I would be used to it by now!

sticker shock at Murphy Bed cost

who knew complex springs cost so much?

missing Summer and seeing familiar neighbors outside playing

can't wait for the excitement of this Summer

considering doing another after school club this semester

am I crazy?

wondering when I should introduce potty training to Nolan...

... he's got two big brothers to help teach him!

"where a kid can be a kid!"...

{The Birthday Boy with his "game face"}

... that's what Jack said when I asked him where he wanted to go for his special birthday outing.

So, off we went to dinner at Red Robin {mmmm, Rookie Magic!} and then to Chuck E. Cheese. Let the good times roll...

{An attempt at a decent picture of my and my boys at dinner, I don't even recall what Nolan is weilding here!}

{this might be my favorite picture from the night!}

{this was actually Nolan's first time at Chuck E. Cheese, so we had to get him on the Fun Bus!}

{he was all over it, and totally knew what to do with the steering wheel!}

{Meanwhile, this is what I saw nearly every time I went to check on Warren}

{And Nolan cracked me up with this... he kept pointing and had this expression...}

{...like guys, hello, don't you realize there are BALLS in there!}

{what age do you think he will require us to actually put tokens in the game he is playing?}

{Nolan and Daddy, awww.}

{Finally opening gifts and concluding the fun outing!}

Chuggin' Along

I present to you, the very delightful result of my saying "go to your big boy Choo Choo bed, Nolan", when it became obvious he was in need of a nap today.

Up the stairs he climbed into his new room that Mommy and Daddy worked so hard on setting up yesterday. It is amazing what we can get done with the baby at Grandma's and Jack at Aunt Shelli's -- thanks to both for helping us out!



So it goes that transitioning 18 month olds to their big beds continues to be not a big deal. Hoping for a similar result at bed time tonight!!

Still have some bare wall space that I'm thinking needs a picture mural and we all know how I feel about white walls {blech!}, but I need to recover from hauling mattresses all over the house first! I am happy with how it's coming together so far... and apparently so is he!



It is a little anxiety inducing to lose our dedicated guest bedroom, but now, as planned, the office will double as our guest room with a nifty murphy bed soon enough.

I spent the majority of today moving all his clothes into his closet and dresser, going through crate after crate of toddler clothes we had stored, and deciding what to actually keep. Whew! Hopefully tomorrow I can go through pictures from Jack's birthday party and be all caught up here!

The holidays and the everydays.

Sometimes I tense at each single-use cup that gets tossed into the sink and each not-even-one-full-day worn shirt that makes its way into the hamper, adding to the everydays.

Thats what I call the chores that must be done everyday, imposing their need to be regularly loaded/washed/folded/put in their drawer or cabinet on me like a perpetual motion machine. Fighting the entropy monster of this house with the everydays can make me down right grouchy.

But then there's the holidays.

And suddenly the same pajamas are being worn for 48 straight hours and the fine china is brilliantly contrasted with dixie paper plates balancing leftovers on their way to a table covered with mid construction lego projects.

Ahhh the reprieve from the everydays is invigorating.

See, invigorated right? {ha!}



The kids are lounging and playing. Then playing and lounging. Working up appetites from making play-doh culinary creations and Wii bowling until our sides ache.



Either way, I'll take a big old helping of holidays with a side of everydays on my paper plate please!

And if no one sees me in these jammies, there's no proof that I've had them on for 48+ hours, right?!

I am...

...finally getting Jack's birthday mailers in the mail
...simmering steel cut oats for the fourth time in a week
...totally cool with new toys strewn everywhere
...so looking forward to having playdo and chemistry set experiments be major agenda items this week
...loving the furniture rearranging job I did in the living room, such a breathe of fresh air
...feeling tired from staying up too late watching videos of Christmas mornings past and exclaiming about one hundred times how fun it is to see the big boys as babies again
...grabbing bites of left over early birthday cake


...certain we'll renew our membership to the Children's Museum this year


...scheduling an 18 month check-up and a 5 year old check-up, and rescheduling my own dentist appointment -- hello sitting on hold!
...content to stay in pajamas all day today
...laughing when Warren asks me to feed him his breakfast so he doesn't have to set down the controller and nunchuck for a second of Zelda
...thinking I should really clean up the desktop on our PC
...happy for our little traditions, like opening one gift on Christmas Eve



...a little embarassed that we already packed up all the Christmas things including the tree
...learning just as much if not more from reading the "human body" book we got the boys for Christmas (they especially liked learning about their tongues!)




...so very happy and hopeful for 2011!

Run, Run