On Today's Agenda:

• Setting out Easter decorations plenty early since I totally missed the Valentine's Day decorations this year on account of what a crummy month February ended up being.
• Nursing a cold with tea and honey, vitamin C, and some rest.

{Actually gonna burn this pretty egg candle this year!}

•  Running to Whole Foods with just Nolan, who proudly pushed the little cart the whole time and was so obedient with what he put in the cart and where he went, making for the perfect Project 365 moment for today!
  
  
  
  
  
  
•  Making steak fajitas for dinner tonight. Mmmmm....
•  Enjoying a snack of Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin toast with lots of butter
•  Thinking I talk about food way too much :)
  
  


This Boy...

...has an infectious smile,

...and a fashion sense all his own.

...is almost always shadowed by his baby brother, who idolizes him.

...just started on a new book series adventure "Flat Stanley." We are reading a chapter per day together and working on lots of comprehension/discussion questions.

I love this boy!

This or That

I don't know what's making me more happy today,

this pair of new patent leather ballet flats

paired with a comfy pair of practical jeans hemmed for flats,

or that reflection in my super-shiny counter top

 (from yesterday's spring cleaning frenzy)

of my favorite retro canisters from a thrift store in San Angelo, TX.

Or maybe I'm happy for the weekend.

Making a conscious effort to let the frustrations of the week stay behind me,

and actually hoping it does snow for once.

Sweet Jack Dylan

Jack, you've been on my mind a lot lately.

Even more than usual.

This sixth year of your life is bringing forth so much personality and sweet humor,

I can't help but take notice.

Your Daddy and I are constantly exchanging knowing glances of

"did you just see that?"

or

"can you believe how sweet this kid is?"

You love coffee already.

You rise early and say Good Morning to anyone in your path.

You have a real talent for building with Legos.

It is a passion of yours and we are so impressed (seriously!)

with the perfectly symmetric little things you are constantly constructing.

You are such a chatterbox!

You are so affectionate.

You love your family and tell us all each day

how happy and lucky you are to have us as your family.

You are such a perfect blend of rugged little boy and earth-angel

that I sometimes don't feel worthy of being your Momma.

I will relish watching you grow up and I hope and pray you don't move far from home.

Stay sweet, little man.

Your family loves you so much!

We are the lucky ones.

Potpourri - "Amazed"

I am amazed at the spelling words 1st graders have these days. And even more amazed that Warren always knows them the day he gets his new list.

I am amazed to think that someday not too far away, I will leave all three of these boys at the Elementary school in the morning.

...hopefully I have another baby by then though...

Amazingly, this was the page I opened to in a random magazine on the treadmill this morning. I knew it! But going to the gym inspires me to eat better and drink more water, cleaning my house... not so much!

It never ceases to amaze me how one minute these two are duking it out in a fit of sibling rivalry and the next minute sitting side by side like best buddies.

A few randoms too:

• Booking Warren's solo trip to Alaska in June.  He is going for two weeks on his own, embarking on Wilderness Survival and Whales Tails and Salmon Camp, camping, fishing, and being without his brothers.  He is going to grow up so much visiting "Alaska Grandma" all by himself.  I am so excited for him and am sure he'll be a foot taller when he returns.
• Jack will be doing Lego Engineering Camp here at the rec center while Warren is gone.  Then they will both be doing T-ball after that.  I have all their Summer Kindergarten and 2nd grade prep workbooks stacked neatly already too.  I was excited to get all prepared for this Summer early since I was so sure I'd have a newborn.  I am still going to get to reap the benefits of being prepared though and who knows, maybe I'll be hugely pregnant by then! 
• Today's Project 365 picture made me stop and think about how my boys view the roles of men and women and all kinds of thoughts got stirred up in me.  I want to raise good men!  But that can sometimes feel like a moving target in society... ya know?

Project 365 Out Take

Since a couple people asked, you should see a link that says "Project 365" right under the main header picture on this blog. It is in a newly added Link Bar, which also has links "About Me", "Mamarazzi Portraits", etc. Let me know if you still have problems with it. I am not crazy about the template I am using for my Project 365 and will probably change it soon; it displays vertical pictures all smashed on the home page for some reason.

Here is another link as well: http://charity-project365.blogspot.com/

Anyhow, Nolan LOVES water fountains. And there just so happens to be TWO, RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER at the Elementary school. Sometimes he snuggles right in between them and just radiates happiness to be in such close proximity to water fountain awesomeness. To my knowledge he doesn't even know what they do or are for. But all that reflective metal and buttons is all he needs to see to be smitten!

Head over to project 365 to see my favorite one of Nolan and the water fountains. He had just seen a "big kid" go up and use the water fountain, so he was doing his best to emulate that behavior. Cute!

I took these pictures with my iPhone and showed them to Bryan first and he said "I'm impressed, I would never think those were done with a camera phone."  I can see a lot of noise, but I didn't want the flash on to reflect off the metal and ruin the picture.  I love the brick!  And his little forced expression of "sadness" with the bottom lip :)

My thinking with Project 365 is not to get "perfect", focused, well-lit pictures, but rather to capture some emotion or something in my house or life that is meaningful to me.  I want to make a picture book at the end of the year full of images that will be fun to look through and tell a story without any words!  Fun!

I actually ran!

Went to the gym today and I actually ran for 15 minutes.  Had a good laugh over the threatening/encouraging/(wtf?) sign in the locker room that read:

"What fits better into your busy schedule, exercising 1 hour per day or being dead 24 hours per day?"

Yup!  Just the motivation I needed right? :) My plan is to go at least twice per week and still do my elliptical machine at home a couple times too. When I go to the gym, I want to to 20 min of cardio and then do some weight lifting upper or lower body. Today was upper body. I am out of shape. Moving on!

Nolan went to the childcare room at the gym!  This is going to be a regular outing for us nowadays!

Project 365 is underway complete with a link under the header of this blog.  It is already providing me with motivation to take more pictures and gain practice with execution and editing.  Yay! 

I have already found myself looking at very ordinary things in my house and life and thinking "what interesting angle could I capture that with?"  Love it!

Today's inspiration happened as I was standing over a very empty sink with only a scone left from breakfast and our very outdated globe serving in the place of the normally highly cluttered sink and counter.  It needed to be captured! 

So head over and check out the final image! And maybe start your own Project 365! I am convinced that there is a hobbyist photographer in all of us.

OUT TAKES

I needed an update around here! While the pictures I got yesterday aren't great, I am happy with them for now. They are interesting, imperfect shots of my perfect little boys.

Here are a couple that didn't make the blog header cut:
[somehow, even with complete overcast, it was still too bright for Warren's super sensitive baby blues]

[my original idea was to have Warren pulling the wagon with his little brothers in it. But it became clear right away that it wasn't going to happen, so we moved on!]

They had fun regardless, so for that it was a success. I will try again probably in a couple months for another group shot when things start to turn green outside.

And now for some random updates:

• I am going to check in with the childcare at my gym today. Have never done so, but I am really anxious to lose this first trimester weight gain before trying again and my elliptical machine at home just isn't sufficient.
• Warren has a field trip tomorrow, which will be the first one ever that I haven't helped chaperon. It seems like he is growing up at warp speed lately! He has adapted so well to his orthodontic appliance already. I am so impressed! I turned the key for the first time today (will do so Monday, Wednesday and Fridays) and he was a champ.
• Jack is cracking me up lately. He tells anyone that asks (or who doesn't!) that he's in Kindergarten. He's just a little excited!
• Nolan's feet are huge! Going to get him some new shoes (hopefully) from the thrift store today. Since he's only had hand-me-downs or things from the thrift store, he completely rejected the new shoes I bought him recently. I might as well have put bricks on his feet :)

of note

{I got flowers. From the grown up version of the little boy framed on my breakfast bar.}

{I don't know why... but I'm starting to think that cold cereal isn't really Nolan's thing.}

{Planning homemade chocolate chip waffles tomorrow and betting he'll be wearing a much different expression then!}

{I forgot to mention that Warren held Rosie... twice at the Butterfly Pavilion the other day. Thank goodness for zoom capability on my camera and for hand sanitizer!}

over half his life-time ago...

...but just like yesterday to me!

.a re-post of 9 MONTHS.

SO many milestones this month that I've more than once sat down to write this up and felt a little overwhelmed.

Here goes:
crawling (albeit no more than 3-4 motions then you sit back up as if to see where you've landed)
saying "mama", "dada", "buh-bye", "gaaa"(for Jack)
eating table food
two bottom front teeth are in!
went to California and LOVED the beach so much
drinking bottles now (about 50/50 with nursing and bottle-feeding)
standing up and cruising along toys and furniture
playing independently

using your index finger and thumb to pick up cheerios

sharing your food with Momma and Daddy by trying to feed us your snacks

growing some scrumptious little curls over your ears (Daddy wants to get your hair cut but I told him no way!)
raiding the toy closet (there are now officially three of you guys contributing to toys being strewn all around the house)
loving the outdoors

you are SUCH a boy

if something is
loud

moving
crashing
dirty or even slightly
dangerous
then you are all over trying to get at it.

I suppose I'll sit and rest someday when my house is empty.

But for now I am blissfully lost in these days of diapers and spit-up
tricycle traffic-jams and candyland pieces

matchbox cars and bibs
baby magic lotion and band aids

onsies and teething rings

underdogs and lullabies

cheerios and koolaid

slobber and wipies

board books and silly faces

raspberries and backtalk

stuffed animals and peekaboo
Legos and more Legos

Dear Nolan,

You belong so perfectly in our family. You are a true blessing and a joy to us all. Daddy can't get enough of your cheeks... says they have just the right amount of smoosh.

Your Family

XOXO

My Day

**updated with picture from orthodontist appointment!**

Frosty cold morning, perfect to use the oven for breakfast...

...before loading up three well-layered (I love that long-sleeve shirt under the short-sleeve shirt look on boys) little ones into the car.

At the school for well over an hour; helping with Warren's classroom, chasing Nolan around the building (everyone there knows his name!), and taking Jack to preschool.

Home. Finally....

...but just for a minute, then braving the cold to go to a neighbor's house for Mom's Group with Nolan. Ahhh, reprieve. Sitting still, chatting about small things, watching Nolan enjoy someone else's toys.

Zoom. In a hurry to get Jack from preschool, surely he will ask for mac n cheese for lunch and today, I'll indulge him. His character of choice even.

Sleeping baby, Lego playing boy, showering mama.

...then...

Hanging laundry to dry, unloading dishes, cleaning up lunch.

Zoom. Off to get Warren from school a bit early for his first orthopedist/orthodontist appointment.

Daddy says he's getting "transformer teeth." Warren thinks that's funny. He probably won't think it's funny for too long, especially when he realizes that, no his thumb no longer has a home on the roof of his mouth. Will I miss seeing him with that thumb?... I don't think so!

[right before the install, holding "the appliance"]

Home! Oh my.

Dinner. Comfort food of all comfort foods -- baked ziti.

Reading "new" books from Literacy Night book swap, finishing homework for the week, watching the news for a minute and deciding it's all too depressing.

Bathes for Warren and Jack... when was the last time they had one? Oh I'm sure it wasn't THAT long ago, but we'll give 'em one tonight just to be sure :)

Packing. Not my favorite thing to do. Packing up overnight bags for the whole family for an out of town wedding; where kids aren't invited. Best of luck to Aunt Jenny watching these crazies in the hotel room. I will toast my champagne glass at the reception to that thought!

So. Tired.

Bed. Sleep. Snuggles with my Hubby.

Done.

{well... that's the plan.}

the cutest little backseat driver

[...what I get to see in my rear view mirror almost always...]

as a side note, I am loving the camera on my iPhone!

Downloaded a couple apps for improving the picture quality with

zoom capability etc and it isn't half bad.

Look at me, rockin' technology :)

the last mention

just to finish this chapter:

got confirmation today at my Doctor appointment

the baby has not changed since the last u/s where fetal demise was Dx

my body was still growing the pregnancy beautifully

not willing to let go

i wanted to let nature take its course

but it ended up taking more of a toll on my spirit than I could endure

opted to take medication in the office this morning

to move this along

miscarriage will be complete within 12 hours

go back tomorrow for u/s to confirm that it is all gone

I feel relief

I want another baby so badly...

a "recipe" and some mindless pictures

::this is what I have been living on lately::

Plain couscous cooked in organic chicken broth (enough for 5 servings)

Mix in:
three large handfuls of organic baby spinach - cooked down in grape seed oil with a touch of sea salt
one snack sized box of raisins
generous handful of walnuts broken into small pieces

It is SO good! The raisins offer a little sweetness for contrast with the richness of the spinach and walnuts. Lots of iron, very filling, heats back up well for left overs. I sometimes serve it as a side dish to my family, but I mostly eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner :)

That is MY kind of cooking. There are four ingredients and the end result is simple and delicious!

****

Okay, I have no transition from food to bugs, so just go with it. Here are some pictures from the Butterfly Pavilion. Too bad Warren is at the age where he doesn't really play to the camera anymore. In fact, he kind of goes out of his way to be as un-photogenic as possible. Too bad since he is such a handsome boy. Most are of Nolan and the butterflies.

That's all I got! Nothing profound from me today. After spending the majority of the day with five little boys on President's day, I am going for coherent not profound :)

1%

I know I haven't mentioned "the loss" for a little while. And I keep questioning whether there is value in recording any more here on the topic. I have grown weary of the whole thing, and I feel like those around me surely have too.

But here's the deal... absolutely nothing has happened yet. I have to keep telling myself and convincing myself that, while I feel pregnant (nausea, fatigue, out of control appetite, etc), I am not really pregnant in the sense that this is not leading to a baby.

I have tried so hard to stay off of the Internet, not to be a victim of google-itis. But I have faltered, and learned more about missed miscarriages with a few clicks of the mouse than I ever cared to know.

Only 1% of pregnancies result in a missed miscarriage. 1%... well that makes me feel better, yeah right.

My body is continuing on with the pregnancy, oblivious that the fetus is not alive. Still producing pregnancy hormone, and from what I can tell still growing the gestational sac, resulting in my expanding abdomen.

I can hardly take it anymore. I made an appointment for Wednesday morning to meet with my doctor again and talk through the conflicted mess in my head. I started out really not wanting medical intervention to move this along. Sure that once I knew in my mind that the pregnancy wasn't viable, my body would respond in kind. Now I am not sure what to think. My body is telling me that I'm pregnant, and that voice is sometimes louder than my mind telling my body "no, hurry up and miscarry already."

It is irrational, but I want another ultrasound to be absolutely sure we haven't missed anything. And then I think I am ready to move this along. I am reading that this can go on for months. MONTHS! Are you kidding me?! There have been women who go in for their 20 week ultrasound only to find out the baby passed early in the first trimester. That is crazy!!

There are days when I hardly think about "it" and others where I hardly think of anything else. When I lay in bed at 1am with my hands on my little bump it just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I almost can't believe it. The emotional toll is undeniable and I am faltering under it. This is not a healthy state of limbo.

There is just only so much a person can do to distract themselves from the black and white ugly truth that you are carrying around a dead fetus. I mean, really.

I got up this morning and took the boys to the Butterfly Pavilion by our house. There is no distraction like chasing a 19 month old around a building full of bugs, right?! :) There were moments when I was photographing the kids and butterflies that I completely forgot about everything else.

But then when they went to play at the play area and I was slammed with a wave of fatigue that left me slumped over on a bench feeling overwhelmed at the idea of getting us and our gear back to the car, I was quickly reminded that "oh yeah, it's just my body happily donating its energy to what it thinks is a worthy little cause." It is sad. And I am not a sad person. This just isn't me.