413 Days

That's roughly (to the best of my quick calculation) how long it's been since we set out to complete our family. That's a lot of days of hoping, wishing, *ahem* trying, wondering, waiting, and ultimately being disappointed over and over.


I did put a call in to my Doctor last month and he assured me that I am well within "normal" range of time it can take, especially since we did actually conceive in December after about 6 months of trying (we all know how that ultimately ended in early March). I just have so many questions.


Why was it so easy the last three times?
What has changed?
Is it because I nursed Nolan for so long?
Am I just getting old?
Are we doing something wrong/different?
Trying too hard?
Is it ALL IN MY HEAD??


Like with everything, I have read up. And reached out. And come to know so much more about infertility through talking to other people, reading articles, and even a couple of blogs.


Mostly, people talk about the hurt and heartache of not being able to start a family. For us, the frustration is in not being able to finish ours. And as far as I can tell the hurt is not diminished.


Each month is a punch in the gut. Time doesn't slow down or forgive you. The boys are getting older and older and I can't help but wonder what is a too large of an age gap from oldest to youngest.. is there such a thing? Would I let that mindset dictate my family size? More questions...


And there are no answers to any of them.