self portrait

I am turning 32 next month. Yikes. Or not??

Whatever.

I had an awesome photo session this evening with two adorable brothers and their Mom. Started to edit them and suddently felt horribly pukey and sick. Not sure if it's the baby or just something weird I ate today. Hoping to hold down some oyster crackers and a clementine and head to bed early. Going to bed at 9?! Maybe I am getting old :)

Obsessed With...

Because, no, I don't just sit around pining for a baby - although I did have a dream last night that I actually had miscounted and did in fact already have four, not three, children. Presto! We were in fact done. It was funny. Funny in my dream and still funny when I woke up.

Anyhow, I am totally obsessed with our family desk calendar. I get all excited when it is a new month and I tear off the old coffee stained, scribbled, marked-off-days month and reveal the clean new potential. It usually fills up within a few days, and sometimes I get crazy with the highlighters.

Also, you may have noticed my new obsession with twitpic in my twitter feed {on the right hand side lower down on this blog}! So fun. Love it. My new favorite way to over-share my life's little things :) Enjoy...

Lastly, definitely not a new obsession, but still burning strong is thrifting. Went yesterday and found {among other things} this adorable, awesome, super functional booster seat. Was needing one for the baby I watch and this more than fits the bill. It was less than $2 and doesn't have a mark or tear on it!

Speaking of the girls I watch, I am so smitten with the whole thing - borderline obsessed. My boys LOVE the girls and are so happy on the days I tell them they are coming over. They are protective of them and play so well with them. That bond really, really gets to me. Why? Because our kids do not have cousins (and that is not going to change anytime soon). They are not growing up like Bryan and I did surrounded by oodles of cousins (my mom has four sisters and Bryan's mom has five brothers and sisters). It is sad to me, but I am doing my best to make up for it with our "neighbor cousins."

There you have it, the other things I am obsessing over lately!

The other day...

...we went to the airport near our house in our county to eat breakfast at the restaurant there overlooking the runway.

Nolan fell asleep on the way there and remained so in his stroller throughout our meal.

Jack sat extra close to me and we had a

snuggly

talkative

silly (gosh he has the most beautiful BRIGHT blue eyes!)

deliciously soaked in syrup kind of morning.

The end.

Black and White

Thinking about printing this one in black and white with this crop. Not because it is really a great picture, or even good for that matter (Jack is fake smiling, Warren's not looking at the camer, Nolan is petting Warren's head, and I am not particularly fond of what I've got going on either) BUT, it is a picture of me with ALL THREE of my boys with real clothes on and we are happy.

Yes, this picture needs to find a little spot in my house, even with all it's imperfections, because it is us and we certainly aren't perfect!

Pre-kids Me

I was newly engaged, one step closer to marriage and my kids, which were of course still perfectly clean, well-mannered little figments of my imagination.

The grass was greener on my side.

It had yet to ever even once cross my mind that I might need to watch what I eat or that the bumble bee metabolism of mine might not last forever... or even past 30.

My legs were always shaved.

I slept through the night... every night.

Life was simple and good.

[I STILL have this skirt and wore it just the other day!]

But honestly, not even a fraction of the good and joy I have come to know in this crazy, busy, messy, hectic life I get to call my own currently. I wouldn't trade places for anything in the word... but I might like to stop and rest on that grass for a few minutes right about now.

Momentum

Today, I packed up our swim-things, picked Warren up from school and headed directly to the rec center in a neighboring town, 'cause they have the best indoor swimming pool around.

I endure deafening noise in a tiny family locker room as three little bodies wriggle into trunks and a swim diaper for one. I put my own suit on finally after Nolan opens the door a bajillion times nearly exposing the whole scene to anyone happening by our door.

Ever put a swim suit on with one arm while restraining a toddler from opening the door with the other?

Oh you should definitely try it, it really sets the tone for taking three small children swimming.

We stop at the enormous mirror for a quick second for a posed picture all together.

::Here we are! Hope the Lifeguards are well rested and on high alert.::

And they're off...

I know, you almost need sunglasses to look at the pasty images of us! Someone at the pool kindly asked if we were Irish... I think that was an indirect way of saying "Holy Cow, you guys are white!" Oh well...

::Hopeless posers::

::Even flexing... already.::

I was so tickled to find this on my camera. Apparently Warren took it on one of his jaunts back to our table for a snack. I love that he has a penchant for taking pictures like his Mama. Thanks, Buddy. I am actually pictured on my own blog for once!  He's got some natural ability for getting a more than decent shot, I must say... 

We didn't even leave the pool until our normal dinner time, and I seriously almost called Bryan a hundred times on the way home to implore him to meet us out for dinner.  But, ultimately my reasonable side won out and I came home and whipped this up:

This has quickly become a favorite. Caesar pasta (just rotini with Caesar dressing and some croutons) with chicken and broccoli tossed in. So simple and filling and good.  But next time I will need two heads of broccoli for this ravenous bunch!

So there you have it, keeping up momentum for being less lame these days.

As seen in {my laundry room}

I spend a lot of time in the laundry room.

And particularly at the utility sink, rinsing things out, half-heartedly doing stain removal, washing my hands, cracking open soap nuts, weighing myself way more than I probably should (I have gained nearly 10 pounds since December, ugh. That's another post for another day.), hanging clothes to dry, and looking West out the window in the direction the weather usually approaches from.

Many days this mirror is the only reflection I see of myself, so it's a good thing that I get to see my grungy, sweat-wearing self framed so beautifully with roses. I love this mirror. Actually brought it from the basement bathroom at our old house.

Me+Laundry=love/hate relationship, but don't you dare try to "help" in this vicinity because my complete type A control freak side will come out and unless you know my exact recipe of h2o2, oxyclean, soap nuts, essential oils, and washer settings you best just stay out :)

Up and attem.

This is what I look like right when I wake up. I know, I know, Bryan's a lucky guy. But give me 10 minutes after my coffee cup is empty and I swear things get much better. Color comes into my cheeks and some of the bags under my eyes do actually subside.

Relevance? ...oh yeah. We are on day three of Spring Break madness. This morning we went swimming. As in I took all three kids swimming by myself and no one drowned or was even rescued by the lifeguard. So, moments after I glanced at myself in the mirror of my bedroom and took a super-flattering picture I was stuffing bathing suits and towels into a bag and booking it for the door before our day got off on a tangent.

We were at the pool by 9am and swam for 2 hours. Then I even showered each boy, lotioned them and dressed them in clean clothes. Oh yeah. I even stopped at Starbucks on the way home and got them each a yummy sandwich. I have three wiped out, clean, fed boys on the couch right now... I rock!

I took them all to the movies yesterday, but then our day nosedived after that. I blame the bag of sour patch kids they devoured at 10am. :)

We don't have any big plans for the afternoon... I better figure something out quick!

On My A Game.

It's like I have The Force or something.

Lately I have been feeling so "with it."
And for all the times I totally do not feel that way, I figure it is worth sharing.

::Warren is doing so well in school, I am so proud::

::So is Jack! Check out this super long fruit loop necklace he made::

::Even my bulbs are blooming that I planted last Fall::

::All my guys have been doing lots of man bonding lately::

::I can see my love of photography wearing off on Warren in particular, check out this picture he took the other day... I love sun flare!::

::We have a house project underway!::

The microwave/hood combo is down! Good riddance!

And the new hood is up. It seriously moves some air and takes odors etc right outside!

We still have to finish some tile work and install the pot filler faucet, then it is all done!

::I'll spare you a picture, but potty training is going really well. We continue to have enough successes that I am staying energized to keep up the very exhausting and tedious tasks associated::

Dressed for the Day #1

Honestly, I don't know what's harder, taking pictures of yourself in a mirror or trying to capture my super light tattoo... oh well, here ya go!

::Front view::

::Back view::

::The shoes::

::The tattoo::

Love this outfit!

I am such a sucker for details... I love the back pocket detailing of these Citizens of Humanity jeans I bought second hand, and I love the color combo of chocolate brown, turquoise (yes I know it looks green in these crappy pictures) and cream, and I love the keyhole cut-out in the back of this shirt, and the fact that the shirt is a little longer than normal, and the brown patent leather peep-toe wedge shoes are one of my favorite pairs that just don't get worn nearly enough.

All told, I feel great to be dressed for the day! It makes me want to eat a healthy lunch and maybe even put on some lip gloss and a pair of earrings. Oooh-lala!

It feels weird to talk so much about myself, so next up -- lots of pics of Nolan outside in his big boy briefs! :)

I'm sure you know by now...

...that if I'm absent from here, it means there is something or things unusual going on in my life.

This latest little hiatus is no exception.

I am turning a new leaf!

Cleaning out my closet big time. After three years of staying home, I am finally liquidating a lot of my professional wardrobe. It has freed up so much space for, ya know, the real clothes I wear on a daily basis to actually have a place in my closet and I just feel so much more settled. All of this in effort to actually put more effort into myself each day and the image I am presenting to my kids and those I come in contact with... on the rare occasion I actually leave the house. Ha!

Seriously though, I am just a little sick of wearing grungy sweats and looking dumpy ALL the time. It's bad enough that I drive the sweat pants of the automotive industry right? I should at least step out of the minivan looking surprisingly hip and cute!

I went shopping too! Got some great spring looks... will debut them here maybe if I can get my act together enough to remember to take a quick picture in the morning :)

***

I am potty training Nolan! He is 20 months and at a very good age for being malleable and compliant. So far so good! This week is all about introduction. He is being introduced to his underwear, sitting on the toilet, feeling wet, and learning to say all the necessary words out loud. He is doing well enough that I actually took him out to dinner at a restaurant wearing his little underwear instead of a diaper. He doesn't want to pee in them and seems to get that they are not going to keep him dry and comfy like a diaper. I would LOVE to have him toilet trained by the end of the Summer -- we'll see.

***

Working out twice per week at the gym and twice at home. Trying really hard to limit portions and knock out these last few pounds of pregnancy weight. I'm sure I'll get pregnant again right when I accomplish that :) That would be just fine!

***

Man, two days in Vegas takes a toll! I am STILL recovering from my sunburn, it is now a rashy mess... gotta love how I "tan." I have healing blisters on my feet and it was a slight set back to work off the calories from all that beer and fancy martinis. At least the tattoo is finally healed. Oh yeah, need to post a picture of that too!

Until tomorrow...

Dinosaur Dioramas

Dinosaur Club is over. It actually finished last week, but I am behind here.

I am busy assimilating back into reality from an epic weekend in Vegas.
More to come on that!
***
Anyhow, back to my point; I don't get too much positive feedback in this line of work, staying home with my brood of boys. Sure, they tell me frequently how much they love me and that I'm "the best mom ever" and I sometimes beam with pride at their school work as if it were my very own. And of course Bryan tells me almost daily that I am a great mom, but that's kinda like your mom telling you how pretty you look on the first awkward day of Junior High, right? {wink!}

So I totally soaked up the kids and parents thanking me and praising me for my creativity and energy in doing these after school clubs. I know that when I do something, I do it well. It felt good to have that recognized by others. Sometimes I miss that feeling from working outside the home.

But what felt even better is seeing Warren and Jack's finished dioramas and how proud they are of them. Watching them play with their little dinosaurs, setting up scenes, and carefully closing the lids to carry them home.

[see how proud he looks with his?... that's how I feel too!]

It's all very worth it! And I may just be able to be talked into a Geology Club next year ;)

Chemical Engineer turned Domestic Engineer

I never saw it coming.  Never once had entertained the idea in my childhood or early adulthood that I would not work, not pursue a career, or *gasp* write "housewife" under occupation on a form. 

I usually shake my head and laugh when I explain to people that I spent 6 tortuous years in college earning a bachelors and masters degree in Chemical Engineering. 

Why Engineering? Is your father an Engineer?

I have no Earthly idea, no my father is not an Engineer.  My best answer is that my track coach was also my A.P. Chemistry teacher and he told me Chemical Engineering was the hardest undergraduate degree and that there weren't many women in Engineering. And he even pointed me to an Engineering school in Colorado where I could run Division II track most likely with a scholarship. 

Off I went.

That was 14 years ago. 

I wouldn't change a thing.  I am proud of my degrees and I'm sure that my studies have made me better at working through stress, critical thinking, multitasking, and problem solving - all of which are valuable to my current "job." 

But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that someone along the way had at least even made the tiniest mention of the possibility of being a Domestic Engineer.  Maybe then it wouldn't have felt like such a colossal leap into crazy-ville like it did 4 years ago. 

Don't get me wrong, it's great this world we live in today where women have every opportunity as men and there is far less sexism and type-casting than there probably ever has been.  But really, it does make it hard for the modern woman/stay-at-home-mom to rectify what she has believed success to be and look like for 27 years, with what she now knows success truly is for her.

(See Disclaimer now at the bottom of this post if your blood pressure just spiked.)

A happy home.
The size of family you want, not what is dictated by the dual income lifestyle.
The satisfaction of making hard sacrifices to make "it" work.
The single income lifestyle isn't all that easy these days.
I get that.
I know I am lucky to even have the chance at all do make this choice.


Success is different for us all.
Staying home all day with three little testosterone factory tyrants isn't for everyone.
But sometimes when I glance over at my diplomas hanging on the wall I mostly feel like what I truly got at that school was an awesome husband and Father to my children.
It is antiquated, I know.
And it's certainly not what I went looking for, but I wouldn't change a thing.
***
Disclaimer:
***
I DO NOT think staying at home is harder, better, produces better kids, etc than any other option.  I worked and my kids went to daycare for 5 years.  I will most likely return to work someday.  I am not preachy, just a momma who is blissfully happy to have these years at home with her kids. 

This or That

I don't know what's making me more happy today,

this pair of new patent leather ballet flats

paired with a comfy pair of practical jeans hemmed for flats,

or that reflection in my super-shiny counter top

 (from yesterday's spring cleaning frenzy)

of my favorite retro canisters from a thrift store in San Angelo, TX.

Or maybe I'm happy for the weekend.

Making a conscious effort to let the frustrations of the week stay behind me,

and actually hoping it does snow for once.

Potpourri - "Amazed"

I am amazed at the spelling words 1st graders have these days. And even more amazed that Warren always knows them the day he gets his new list.

I am amazed to think that someday not too far away, I will leave all three of these boys at the Elementary school in the morning.

...hopefully I have another baby by then though...

Amazingly, this was the page I opened to in a random magazine on the treadmill this morning. I knew it! But going to the gym inspires me to eat better and drink more water, cleaning my house... not so much!

It never ceases to amaze me how one minute these two are duking it out in a fit of sibling rivalry and the next minute sitting side by side like best buddies.

A few randoms too:

• Booking Warren's solo trip to Alaska in June.  He is going for two weeks on his own, embarking on Wilderness Survival and Whales Tails and Salmon Camp, camping, fishing, and being without his brothers.  He is going to grow up so much visiting "Alaska Grandma" all by himself.  I am so excited for him and am sure he'll be a foot taller when he returns.
• Jack will be doing Lego Engineering Camp here at the rec center while Warren is gone.  Then they will both be doing T-ball after that.  I have all their Summer Kindergarten and 2nd grade prep workbooks stacked neatly already too.  I was excited to get all prepared for this Summer early since I was so sure I'd have a newborn.  I am still going to get to reap the benefits of being prepared though and who knows, maybe I'll be hugely pregnant by then! 
• Today's Project 365 picture made me stop and think about how my boys view the roles of men and women and all kinds of thoughts got stirred up in me.  I want to raise good men!  But that can sometimes feel like a moving target in society... ya know?

I actually ran!

Went to the gym today and I actually ran for 15 minutes.  Had a good laugh over the threatening/encouraging/(wtf?) sign in the locker room that read:

"What fits better into your busy schedule, exercising 1 hour per day or being dead 24 hours per day?"

Yup!  Just the motivation I needed right? :) My plan is to go at least twice per week and still do my elliptical machine at home a couple times too. When I go to the gym, I want to to 20 min of cardio and then do some weight lifting upper or lower body. Today was upper body. I am out of shape. Moving on!

Nolan went to the childcare room at the gym!  This is going to be a regular outing for us nowadays!

Project 365 is underway complete with a link under the header of this blog.  It is already providing me with motivation to take more pictures and gain practice with execution and editing.  Yay! 

I have already found myself looking at very ordinary things in my house and life and thinking "what interesting angle could I capture that with?"  Love it!

Today's inspiration happened as I was standing over a very empty sink with only a scone left from breakfast and our very outdated globe serving in the place of the normally highly cluttered sink and counter.  It needed to be captured! 

So head over and check out the final image! And maybe start your own Project 365! I am convinced that there is a hobbyist photographer in all of us.

the last mention

just to finish this chapter:

got confirmation today at my Doctor appointment

the baby has not changed since the last u/s where fetal demise was Dx

my body was still growing the pregnancy beautifully

not willing to let go

i wanted to let nature take its course

but it ended up taking more of a toll on my spirit than I could endure

opted to take medication in the office this morning

to move this along

miscarriage will be complete within 12 hours

go back tomorrow for u/s to confirm that it is all gone

I feel relief

I want another baby so badly...

1%

I know I haven't mentioned "the loss" for a little while. And I keep questioning whether there is value in recording any more here on the topic. I have grown weary of the whole thing, and I feel like those around me surely have too.

But here's the deal... absolutely nothing has happened yet. I have to keep telling myself and convincing myself that, while I feel pregnant (nausea, fatigue, out of control appetite, etc), I am not really pregnant in the sense that this is not leading to a baby.

I have tried so hard to stay off of the Internet, not to be a victim of google-itis. But I have faltered, and learned more about missed miscarriages with a few clicks of the mouse than I ever cared to know.

Only 1% of pregnancies result in a missed miscarriage. 1%... well that makes me feel better, yeah right.

My body is continuing on with the pregnancy, oblivious that the fetus is not alive. Still producing pregnancy hormone, and from what I can tell still growing the gestational sac, resulting in my expanding abdomen.

I can hardly take it anymore. I made an appointment for Wednesday morning to meet with my doctor again and talk through the conflicted mess in my head. I started out really not wanting medical intervention to move this along. Sure that once I knew in my mind that the pregnancy wasn't viable, my body would respond in kind. Now I am not sure what to think. My body is telling me that I'm pregnant, and that voice is sometimes louder than my mind telling my body "no, hurry up and miscarry already."

It is irrational, but I want another ultrasound to be absolutely sure we haven't missed anything. And then I think I am ready to move this along. I am reading that this can go on for months. MONTHS! Are you kidding me?! There have been women who go in for their 20 week ultrasound only to find out the baby passed early in the first trimester. That is crazy!!

There are days when I hardly think about "it" and others where I hardly think of anything else. When I lay in bed at 1am with my hands on my little bump it just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I almost can't believe it. The emotional toll is undeniable and I am faltering under it. This is not a healthy state of limbo.

There is just only so much a person can do to distract themselves from the black and white ugly truth that you are carrying around a dead fetus. I mean, really.

I got up this morning and took the boys to the Butterfly Pavilion by our house. There is no distraction like chasing a 19 month old around a building full of bugs, right?! :) There were moments when I was photographing the kids and butterflies that I completely forgot about everything else.

But then when they went to play at the play area and I was slammed with a wave of fatigue that left me slumped over on a bench feeling overwhelmed at the idea of getting us and our gear back to the car, I was quickly reminded that "oh yeah, it's just my body happily donating its energy to what it thinks is a worthy little cause." It is sad. And I am not a sad person. This just isn't me.

a recycled post with a new picture

[can you tell what's going on here?]

I have become more and more the super relaxed parent. I have honed in on what I think matters and what is important, and largely leave the rest alone.

Which is partly why I had a good chuckle at myself when I came across these words I wrote two years ago. I only had two boys then, and had only been staying home with them for well under a year. Oh, what a lifetime ago!

It's not that I don't stand by every last word that I wrote two years ago on this exact day, it's just that I don't even know if the "me" of today would take the time to write out such a piece. But that's part of the fun and beauty of this blog -- I get to see myself and my family evolve, grow, change, and arrive.

So, here it is... the post of two years ago to the day... enjoy! :)

FIVE INGREDIENTS TO HAPPY

We're Going Out!

Alternately titled, "hello pretty purple patent leather heels, haven't seen you in a while."



Happy Love Day to My Love!