1%

I know I haven't mentioned "the loss" for a little while. And I keep questioning whether there is value in recording any more here on the topic. I have grown weary of the whole thing, and I feel like those around me surely have too.

But here's the deal... absolutely nothing has happened yet. I have to keep telling myself and convincing myself that, while I feel pregnant (nausea, fatigue, out of control appetite, etc), I am not really pregnant in the sense that this is not leading to a baby.

I have tried so hard to stay off of the Internet, not to be a victim of google-itis. But I have faltered, and learned more about missed miscarriages with a few clicks of the mouse than I ever cared to know.

Only 1% of pregnancies result in a missed miscarriage. 1%... well that makes me feel better, yeah right.

My body is continuing on with the pregnancy, oblivious that the fetus is not alive. Still producing pregnancy hormone, and from what I can tell still growing the gestational sac, resulting in my expanding abdomen.

I can hardly take it anymore. I made an appointment for Wednesday morning to meet with my doctor again and talk through the conflicted mess in my head. I started out really not wanting medical intervention to move this along. Sure that once I knew in my mind that the pregnancy wasn't viable, my body would respond in kind. Now I am not sure what to think. My body is telling me that I'm pregnant, and that voice is sometimes louder than my mind telling my body "no, hurry up and miscarry already."

It is irrational, but I want another ultrasound to be absolutely sure we haven't missed anything. And then I think I am ready to move this along. I am reading that this can go on for months. MONTHS! Are you kidding me?! There have been women who go in for their 20 week ultrasound only to find out the baby passed early in the first trimester. That is crazy!!

There are days when I hardly think about "it" and others where I hardly think of anything else. When I lay in bed at 1am with my hands on my little bump it just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I almost can't believe it. The emotional toll is undeniable and I am faltering under it. This is not a healthy state of limbo.

There is just only so much a person can do to distract themselves from the black and white ugly truth that you are carrying around a dead fetus. I mean, really.

I got up this morning and took the boys to the Butterfly Pavilion by our house. There is no distraction like chasing a 19 month old around a building full of bugs, right?! :) There were moments when I was photographing the kids and butterflies that I completely forgot about everything else.

But then when they went to play at the play area and I was slammed with a wave of fatigue that left me slumped over on a bench feeling overwhelmed at the idea of getting us and our gear back to the car, I was quickly reminded that "oh yeah, it's just my body happily donating its energy to what it thinks is a worthy little cause." It is sad. And I am not a sad person. This just isn't me.