resillient

With almost each hour that passes, I am able to make more sense of what is happening. My mind sometimes stretches out into the future and I can see where this experience might make me a more understanding person to my (at least) 3 future daughter in laws and maybe my own daughter someday, should any of them ever have a loss or any fertility issues.

I won't have the mindset of "oh, that never happened to me."

I can see how once we are "there" and our family is complete, I will think of this loss as part of the journey that was required to get "there."

Sure, I still catch myself playing the what if/maybe game. It goes like this:

"What if this baby was a girl and I am simply not able to carry girls?"

"Maybe I didn't decrease my caffeine intake enough... didn't I read somewhere that increases likelihood of miscarriage?"

"Maybe nursing Nolan even just a little, while trying to grow a new life was too much for my body."

"What if this happens again?"

"Maybe I am too old now. These eggs have been with me for 31 years now, maybe they are all defective."

Fortunately, my logical side takes over and I know that there was most likely a glitch simply in the way our genetic material came together. It was predestined from the moment of conception. Plain and simple.

When I cry now, it is because I remember just a handful of days ago how excited I still was for this baby. Excited to hold a little newborn again soon, for Nolan to have a sibling close in age and in school, for our family to be complete.

So, for now I remain somewhere in between. Not quite able to see this as a stepping stone in our path to our future destination, but also not quite in the initial shock and sadness phase. All the while acknowledging all the strange emotions and thoughts that come with this experience.

I feel stupid for having even being so excited at getting a positive pregnancy test after trying to conceive since Nolan was 10 months old.

I feel guilty for even dragging friends and family through this with me. I am not a private person. The people I call my friends might be victim of my oversharing. Would it be better to keep this all to myself?

I feel afraid that maybe the Universe is saying "you've got all you can handle/need", when I want another child so badly.

I feel anxious already to lose this weight that I have gained before even trying to get pregnant again. And then this leads to more feelings of guilt...

It is easy to get caught up in a vicious cycle of negative emotions when you suffer a miscarriage. I am all the more of an empathetic person now, that's for sure.

I am so thankful for my support system and for my husband who so confidently said last night "it's not if, but when we have our final baby."