...with way too much anxious, nervous, dreadful energy?
Pull yourself out of bed bright and early, make the most delicious homemade buttermilk chocolate chip waffles for your family, peel an orange and devour, pack lunches and head to Little Monkey Bizness -- well that's what I did so far today.
It was the perfect distraction, and I completely forgot my woes for at least an hour. The big boys got frozen yogurt with Daddy afterwards, and then we ran around Sears Grand for a little bit, just to get every last bit of energy out of these boys.
It worked, Nolan crashed and took a long nap when we got home. I was able to lay on the couch for a little while and try to cope with the waves of nausea that I've been having all afternoon.
Admittedly, it is hard for me to see this situation with the baby clearly. I am full of hormones and way too emotional to make sense of everything.
But call me crazy, I am feeling a bit optimistic today. I feel very very pregnant. I have not had any spotting whatsoever, not even a single time this entire pregnancy. Maybe I ovulated really late in my cycle -- Nolan was nursing still quite a bit in December and truthfully still does even now on average once per day latch on and suckle for a bit. Could that have thrown the ovulation date off?
Also, the ultrasound last week showed a much larger, more developed fetus than the one prior. Part of me just doesn't give a shit what they say the CRL was last week versus this week. The baby looked much bigger to me. The tech was having a really hard time getting the heart rate even though we could see it flickering like crazy on the screen. She even had me walk across the hall with nothing but a large paper towel wrapped around my waist to go to the other, supposedly more high tech machine in another room. She even had her peer join us in the room to help her try to get a better angle to measure the heartbeat. Sorry to be graphic, but they were twisting and angling the wand inside of me so much that it was uncomfortable, and thinking about it might actually be the reason I had some weird abdominal pain subsequently.
We would all hear the galloping hear beat for a split second or two, and then it would go away. It looked like the baby was flipping over and making it hard to measure. Finally, the peer of my original tech just said, "well, I would just have to guess that that is the heart rate" as she pointed to a section of the recording. "This part?", the original lady said. "No, I would start here and stop there and get the bpm from that section."
Whatever rate they got from that portion was so low that my doctor has predicted imminent miscarriage. My point for the above rambling is that it was inconclusive in my opinion. The heart rate by all accounts could not be measured and what the two techs did was make a best guess at capturing a portion of ultrasound recording to get a rate from. From what I have read you need about 15 seconds of heartbeat recording to get an accurate rate from. I know with 100% certainty that there were never 15 seconds of available measurement of heartbeat during my ultrasound.
Who knows what this baby's heartbeat was. All I really know is that there was one. I could see it in my baby's tiny chest. And I feel like this baby is fighting and growing, and I owe him/her at least a shred of hope and encouragement.
So, yes, I hate this holding pattern more than anything. But my eyes are a litte less swollen than yesterday and I am feeling okay for the moment.
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