#4

No matter what happens, this baby that I have been incubating and loving for over 2 months will always be our fourth. This is a place to share our life as it unfolds, so it wouldn't be right to leave this out.

I was hoping to have great news yesterday. But things are not looking great for this baby right now.

I went in for a second ultrasound yesterday to check again, since the baby measured smaller last week than he/she should based on my last cycle. I was very optimistic that things would have caught up or at least shown the proper amount of growth in between ultrasound scans. Not so.

Our #4 is still too small and not enough growth in a weeks' worth of time, and although there is a visible heartbeat on the ultrasound, it is too faint or slow to be measured. These factors brought about my doctor telling me "I'm sorry" and changing my perspective forever in that moment.

We have had the most textbook, easy pregnancies prior to this - not even the tiniest of complications or anything. That is partly why this is such a shock. So, while the outcome has yet to fully unfold, I have to be realistic and acknowledge all the odds that are against this little one. The words "expect the worst" keep ringing in my ears coming from my much trusted doctor. He did not want to give me hope, and said this never ends well.

I have yet another ultrasound next week. Doctor said there should be no heartbeat, visible or otherwise, at this scan and that will be the final indication that this pregnancy has ended. I cried so many tears yesterday that my eyes were swollen nearly shut this morning.

But I got up and decided to make the most of the day - going on a family grocery trip and making a huge pot of chicken and dumplings from scratch. Great comfort food as snow is falling and the dull ache in my abdomen hardly compares to the ache I feel in my heart. I feel like the pregnancy sypmtoms are lessening a bit and I can't deny the strange dull ache I feel in my womb. Are these the signs the miscarriage is coming soon?

So glad for a very logical conversation with Bryan this morning, where we went through the possible scenarios of what could happen and how we will react. That put me somewhat at ease, especially when the end result of the conversation was that we will try again if this baby isn't meant to be. We will try for #5, but never forget this fourth baby and all of our excitement for welcoming, naming, and cherishing him/her.