OUT TAKES

I needed an update around here! While the pictures I got yesterday aren't great, I am happy with them for now. They are interesting, imperfect shots of my perfect little boys.

Here are a couple that didn't make the blog header cut:
[somehow, even with complete overcast, it was still too bright for Warren's super sensitive baby blues]

[my original idea was to have Warren pulling the wagon with his little brothers in it. But it became clear right away that it wasn't going to happen, so we moved on!]

They had fun regardless, so for that it was a success. I will try again probably in a couple months for another group shot when things start to turn green outside.

And now for some random updates:

• I am going to check in with the childcare at my gym today. Have never done so, but I am really anxious to lose this first trimester weight gain before trying again and my elliptical machine at home just isn't sufficient.
• Warren has a field trip tomorrow, which will be the first one ever that I haven't helped chaperon. It seems like he is growing up at warp speed lately! He has adapted so well to his orthodontic appliance already. I am so impressed! I turned the key for the first time today (will do so Monday, Wednesday and Fridays) and he was a champ.
• Jack is cracking me up lately. He tells anyone that asks (or who doesn't!) that he's in Kindergarten. He's just a little excited!
• Nolan's feet are huge! Going to get him some new shoes (hopefully) from the thrift store today. Since he's only had hand-me-downs or things from the thrift store, he completely rejected the new shoes I bought him recently. I might as well have put bricks on his feet :)

of note

{I got flowers. From the grown up version of the little boy framed on my breakfast bar.}

{I don't know why... but I'm starting to think that cold cereal isn't really Nolan's thing.}

{Planning homemade chocolate chip waffles tomorrow and betting he'll be wearing a much different expression then!}

{I forgot to mention that Warren held Rosie... twice at the Butterfly Pavilion the other day. Thank goodness for zoom capability on my camera and for hand sanitizer!}

over half his life-time ago...

...but just like yesterday to me!

.a re-post of 9 MONTHS.

SO many milestones this month that I've more than once sat down to write this up and felt a little overwhelmed.

Here goes:
crawling (albeit no more than 3-4 motions then you sit back up as if to see where you've landed)
saying "mama", "dada", "buh-bye", "gaaa"(for Jack)
eating table food
two bottom front teeth are in!
went to California and LOVED the beach so much
drinking bottles now (about 50/50 with nursing and bottle-feeding)
standing up and cruising along toys and furniture
playing independently

using your index finger and thumb to pick up cheerios

sharing your food with Momma and Daddy by trying to feed us your snacks

growing some scrumptious little curls over your ears (Daddy wants to get your hair cut but I told him no way!)
raiding the toy closet (there are now officially three of you guys contributing to toys being strewn all around the house)
loving the outdoors

you are SUCH a boy

if something is
loud

moving
crashing
dirty or even slightly
dangerous
then you are all over trying to get at it.

I suppose I'll sit and rest someday when my house is empty.

But for now I am blissfully lost in these days of diapers and spit-up
tricycle traffic-jams and candyland pieces

matchbox cars and bibs
baby magic lotion and band aids

onsies and teething rings

underdogs and lullabies

cheerios and koolaid

slobber and wipies

board books and silly faces

raspberries and backtalk

stuffed animals and peekaboo
Legos and more Legos

Dear Nolan,

You belong so perfectly in our family. You are a true blessing and a joy to us all. Daddy can't get enough of your cheeks... says they have just the right amount of smoosh.

Your Family

XOXO

My Day

**updated with picture from orthodontist appointment!**

Frosty cold morning, perfect to use the oven for breakfast...

...before loading up three well-layered (I love that long-sleeve shirt under the short-sleeve shirt look on boys) little ones into the car.

At the school for well over an hour; helping with Warren's classroom, chasing Nolan around the building (everyone there knows his name!), and taking Jack to preschool.

Home. Finally....

...but just for a minute, then braving the cold to go to a neighbor's house for Mom's Group with Nolan. Ahhh, reprieve. Sitting still, chatting about small things, watching Nolan enjoy someone else's toys.

Zoom. In a hurry to get Jack from preschool, surely he will ask for mac n cheese for lunch and today, I'll indulge him. His character of choice even.

Sleeping baby, Lego playing boy, showering mama.

...then...

Hanging laundry to dry, unloading dishes, cleaning up lunch.

Zoom. Off to get Warren from school a bit early for his first orthopedist/orthodontist appointment.

Daddy says he's getting "transformer teeth." Warren thinks that's funny. He probably won't think it's funny for too long, especially when he realizes that, no his thumb no longer has a home on the roof of his mouth. Will I miss seeing him with that thumb?... I don't think so!

[right before the install, holding "the appliance"]

Home! Oh my.

Dinner. Comfort food of all comfort foods -- baked ziti.

Reading "new" books from Literacy Night book swap, finishing homework for the week, watching the news for a minute and deciding it's all too depressing.

Bathes for Warren and Jack... when was the last time they had one? Oh I'm sure it wasn't THAT long ago, but we'll give 'em one tonight just to be sure :)

Packing. Not my favorite thing to do. Packing up overnight bags for the whole family for an out of town wedding; where kids aren't invited. Best of luck to Aunt Jenny watching these crazies in the hotel room. I will toast my champagne glass at the reception to that thought!

So. Tired.

Bed. Sleep. Snuggles with my Hubby.

Done.

{well... that's the plan.}

the cutest little backseat driver

[...what I get to see in my rear view mirror almost always...]

as a side note, I am loving the camera on my iPhone!

Downloaded a couple apps for improving the picture quality with

zoom capability etc and it isn't half bad.

Look at me, rockin' technology :)

the last mention

just to finish this chapter:

got confirmation today at my Doctor appointment

the baby has not changed since the last u/s where fetal demise was Dx

my body was still growing the pregnancy beautifully

not willing to let go

i wanted to let nature take its course

but it ended up taking more of a toll on my spirit than I could endure

opted to take medication in the office this morning

to move this along

miscarriage will be complete within 12 hours

go back tomorrow for u/s to confirm that it is all gone

I feel relief

I want another baby so badly...

a "recipe" and some mindless pictures

::this is what I have been living on lately::

Plain couscous cooked in organic chicken broth (enough for 5 servings)

Mix in:
three large handfuls of organic baby spinach - cooked down in grape seed oil with a touch of sea salt
one snack sized box of raisins
generous handful of walnuts broken into small pieces

It is SO good! The raisins offer a little sweetness for contrast with the richness of the spinach and walnuts. Lots of iron, very filling, heats back up well for left overs. I sometimes serve it as a side dish to my family, but I mostly eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner :)

That is MY kind of cooking. There are four ingredients and the end result is simple and delicious!

****

Okay, I have no transition from food to bugs, so just go with it. Here are some pictures from the Butterfly Pavilion. Too bad Warren is at the age where he doesn't really play to the camera anymore. In fact, he kind of goes out of his way to be as un-photogenic as possible. Too bad since he is such a handsome boy. Most are of Nolan and the butterflies.

That's all I got! Nothing profound from me today. After spending the majority of the day with five little boys on President's day, I am going for coherent not profound :)

1%

I know I haven't mentioned "the loss" for a little while. And I keep questioning whether there is value in recording any more here on the topic. I have grown weary of the whole thing, and I feel like those around me surely have too.

But here's the deal... absolutely nothing has happened yet. I have to keep telling myself and convincing myself that, while I feel pregnant (nausea, fatigue, out of control appetite, etc), I am not really pregnant in the sense that this is not leading to a baby.

I have tried so hard to stay off of the Internet, not to be a victim of google-itis. But I have faltered, and learned more about missed miscarriages with a few clicks of the mouse than I ever cared to know.

Only 1% of pregnancies result in a missed miscarriage. 1%... well that makes me feel better, yeah right.

My body is continuing on with the pregnancy, oblivious that the fetus is not alive. Still producing pregnancy hormone, and from what I can tell still growing the gestational sac, resulting in my expanding abdomen.

I can hardly take it anymore. I made an appointment for Wednesday morning to meet with my doctor again and talk through the conflicted mess in my head. I started out really not wanting medical intervention to move this along. Sure that once I knew in my mind that the pregnancy wasn't viable, my body would respond in kind. Now I am not sure what to think. My body is telling me that I'm pregnant, and that voice is sometimes louder than my mind telling my body "no, hurry up and miscarry already."

It is irrational, but I want another ultrasound to be absolutely sure we haven't missed anything. And then I think I am ready to move this along. I am reading that this can go on for months. MONTHS! Are you kidding me?! There have been women who go in for their 20 week ultrasound only to find out the baby passed early in the first trimester. That is crazy!!

There are days when I hardly think about "it" and others where I hardly think of anything else. When I lay in bed at 1am with my hands on my little bump it just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I almost can't believe it. The emotional toll is undeniable and I am faltering under it. This is not a healthy state of limbo.

There is just only so much a person can do to distract themselves from the black and white ugly truth that you are carrying around a dead fetus. I mean, really.

I got up this morning and took the boys to the Butterfly Pavilion by our house. There is no distraction like chasing a 19 month old around a building full of bugs, right?! :) There were moments when I was photographing the kids and butterflies that I completely forgot about everything else.

But then when they went to play at the play area and I was slammed with a wave of fatigue that left me slumped over on a bench feeling overwhelmed at the idea of getting us and our gear back to the car, I was quickly reminded that "oh yeah, it's just my body happily donating its energy to what it thinks is a worthy little cause." It is sad. And I am not a sad person. This just isn't me.

the rest of the story

If you guessed eating vanilla icecream for dinner wearing only a diaper, you're right!

It was running down his forehead,

dripping down his belly,

goodness.

Don't think the big boys weren't in on the action either.

Jack left no drop in his bowl.

And sometimes the spoon was just too much of an inconvenience.

***

Oh yes, of course icecream wasn't actually served to Nolan for dinner. But he didn't touch his actual dinner and when the big boys wanted dessert, suddenly he perked up and was ready to eat. Funny how that works...

a recycled post with a new picture

[can you tell what's going on here?]

I have become more and more the super relaxed parent. I have honed in on what I think matters and what is important, and largely leave the rest alone.

Which is partly why I had a good chuckle at myself when I came across these words I wrote two years ago. I only had two boys then, and had only been staying home with them for well under a year. Oh, what a lifetime ago!

It's not that I don't stand by every last word that I wrote two years ago on this exact day, it's just that I don't even know if the "me" of today would take the time to write out such a piece. But that's part of the fun and beauty of this blog -- I get to see myself and my family evolve, grow, change, and arrive.

So, here it is... the post of two years ago to the day... enjoy! :)

FIVE INGREDIENTS TO HAPPY

Sometimes...

...he takes my breathe away. And I realize he's 19 months old, already. And I want to freeze him perfectly in this moment with a picture that captures his boyish wonder, half baby/half child, all adorably mine.

I love every last little peach fuzz on your kissable forehead, Noli-bean. Don't grow up too fast, okay?

it's pretty simple

[I love being a Mom, and I adore this picture!]


We walked Jack to preschool today (Warren is off for teacher in service day) in the cool morning weather and even stopped to play at the playground on the way back. Warren loved showing Nolan "his" playground and Nolan loved filling the pockets on his windbreaker up with gravel. The same gravel that just spilled all over his bed when I put him down for nap. :)

[One of the first communications received from Bryan on his Daytona 500 trip]


Gambling + NASCAR = one happy Daddy. He is not a fussy, complicated guy :) Last I heard, he and his Dad were participating in a poker tournament today and watching races later this evening.

[Subway is our favorite restaurant]


I guess we're not fussy, complicated people either :) Which is great since we have a super low key weekend planned. Jack is going to Pueblo tomorrow, Warren has a classmate's birthday party at the local bowling alley, and we are hitting up a bounce house on Monday with a neighbor/classmate on President's Day.

Nice and simple.

feathering my nest

The weather outside is... delightful! And we have certainly been out there our fair share enjoying it.

However, lately I have been so into my home and filling it with things I love and have wanted for some time.

We bought our amazing, huge table from Restoration Hardware before we even closed on this house a few years ago. It seats 8 normally and 10 with the extension leaf in. (Read: I have been taking prenatal vitamins since I was in college waiting for the right sucker to come along and give me enough babies to fill up such a grand table {wink!})

But it has been difficult, if not impossible, to find the right chairs for it. So, we've limped along using mismatched chairs, some from another 4 seater table we have and the rest from thrift stores or whatever.

Not anymore...

{Pottery Barn "Aaron" chairs}


We found these on Craigs list last weekend, a perfect set of 10 Pottery Barn chairs that I love. So worth the wait! Most importantly, we got an amazing deal on them because there is no way we could have bought them new.

Next up, new pans that my hubby gifted me with for Valentine's Day yesterday. We got a nice set of stainless steel pans from my Mom for our wedding, but they are not non-stick and we have a lot of little scrambled egg lovers in this house. I have ended up buying a few tephlon pans over the years and they all get so scratched and compromised, and I think the coating has to be coming off in our food since it flakes off in the dishwasher. I am so excited for the pans Bryan chose, good job, babe! He went out and did his own research and arrived at these:

{the Green Earth Pans by Ozeri}


They get awesome reviews and can be purchased at Amazon for significantly less than other stores in the mall or whatever. They are made of high density ceramic and I must say I am loving the lime green color. Fun splash of color in the morning for making eggs! :) Now I can have the non-stick without the worry.

Ahhh, yes, I do love my little nest! Now this Mama bird is heading outside!

We're Going Out!

Alternately titled, "hello pretty purple patent leather heels, haven't seen you in a while."



Happy Love Day to My Love!

there's something about a preschool party.

The whole scene is so darn cute.

And yet you still manage to hone in on your own child, catching their excited smile.

Watch them decorate a cookie,

make a Valentine craft,

and play a quick Cupid's arrow game.

If you're lucky, destruct-O-toddler sleeps through the most of it. On the circle carpet wrapped in your red trench coat, of course.

Jack had so much fun shuffling about stuffing his Valentine's cards into all of his classmates' bags, watching anxiously as his own bag filled up with little treats.

It was about as much adorableness as should be allowed in one room at any one time. And made me realize that his preschool party days are numbered now with Kindergarten right around the corner.

self portrait

::me, today::

One thing is for sure about hardship -- it makes you look at yourself.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past week. Here is what I glean:

In the face of uncertainty, my first instinct is to nurture the heck out of my family (whether they like it or not!). I haven't cooked so many things from scratch in... a while.

Cleaning my house is therapeutic to me. Okay, maybe I already knew that, but now I REALLY know it.

I have spent hundreds of dollars worth of therapy chatting it all out with my friends and family via email, text, quick and long phone calls, and even my blog. It is therapeutic for me to put words to my thoughts and emotions. Kind of like making a to do list. Just having all of it down in black and white makes it more manageable, even though it is still a lot to work through.

I am not perfect. Far from. My fuse has been shorter too. I have snapped at my husband and kids this week. Part of me doesn't want them to feel the burden of this and feel the need to treat me different or special, but then I do feel angry when I am faced with the usual irritants that prove too much to handle in addition to "this."

I am strong. Maybe stronger than I thought. I guess I haven't really had much hardship before. I have worked hard and struggled sure, but not had too many disappointments, honestly. I am impressed with my own ability to cope, which makes me love this reflection in this dirty computer monitor just a tiny bit more.

Daily Cycles

It happens many times throughout the day. The places that were just moments ago full, loud, messy, and ripe with voices and laughter. Then turn still, silent, wiped clean... and ready for the next go round.